baby, you grew up hard
March 23, 2008
yesterday i drank 2 bottles of wine, chilled in a loading dock, and had 4 deceptively potent shots of what will be called “Lemon Drink”. i also sang an Eternal Flame duet, which was #1 in Britain on the day I was born, and barfed all the way from Thornhill to Aurora. i’m pretty sure me and michelle were in a bathroom stall together at one point (drinking more? W-H-Y), but no nose powdering went down. the moral of the story is that contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to be too inebriated for karaoke.
some life lessons are just so hard to learn. like not mixing tequila and beer, thinking i can decide on a “getting dressed” playlist in under 5 minutes, staying away from vermouth, curing myself of the ridiculous notion that it is possible to have a good hair day without product…
while lying on the kitchen floor for a while convincing my family without too much trouble that i have substance abuse problems, i realized i had made it home without a coat or cellular phone. i also didn’t pay for the bus. impressive.
2day i went cross country skiing, ate the nastiest hamburger i have ever seen, and observed the spatial re-orientation of the Nottawasaga/Dufferin region towards a recreation economy. at Tim Horton’s – Caledon (Canada’s Safest Community!), my dad informed me that I still smelled like booze. in Creemore, which I’m pretty sure is where the real Lorelei Gilmore lives and does quaint $hit, he made the faux-pas of admitting out loud that it was a “touristy” town. sooooo embarassing!! we were totally blending in with “the locals” before you blew our cover as city slickers just passing through. thanks a lot, dad! now we have to skedaddle and won’t even have time to check out that antique shop called “Victorian Values” (seriously). oh well, we had Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits (1966-1992) to console us.
later i had a very hot bath (luckily, my genitals did not get burnt – i recommend swaddling them in a facecloth, if anyone’s taking notes) and listened to glamorous songs from my “It’s so exciting being a lesbian!” playlist. i was too concerned with my alcohol acne & windburn to feel truly divine, however.
at easter dinner, my grandma noticed my nose stud for the first time, even though she’s seen it many times before. to be fair, she has a detached retina and is a malpractice victim. we talked about playmobil & beanie babies and good times. i have done no work this weekend, only answered polite questions about myself and recieved a wholesome hair cut. ~__^
p.s. “Last Christmas” is a good song at any time of the year.
p.p.s. Mommy, why did Biggie have to die?
